Jesus and the Disciples

Long ago, God was beyond the reach of common man. God was some sort of vengeful spirit whom the people, who'd main interest was in daily survival, addressed through ceremony and ritual. The priestly order stood in charge of such things. It was their responsibility to represent the people to God, and conversely, God to the people.

This was a rather neat little arrangement. The people didn't have to think about much other than tending to their physical needs, and daunting enough task in that age, and the priests stood to make a comfortable living from their cut of the payoff they extorted from the common folk. Into this neat little arrangement road Jesus, as it were rapping the pipes of his Harley and stirring up dust on the temple mount.

Nobody really knew what this stranger wanted, not even his gang of disciples. The people thought he was there to overthrow the Roman Government and restore the majesty Israel had possessed. The Priests, who could read his credentials quite well, thank you, were afraid he would get them all kicked out of their cushy appointments. At the very least, he was telling them to humble themselves to the point of washing feet, ugh. At the worst, he was going to get them all killed when the Roman Army stomped them.

Even his disciples argued over who would get the best positions in the new government. But, all he did was wander from city to city talking in strange parables, hanging around with people from the other side of the chariot tracks, and teaching some strange new concept: "Love your enemies?" Another Commie liberal trying to upset the prophet margins.

Finally, Judas had had enough. See, this Judas guy was the treasurer; he carried the bag for www.Jesus.org and stood to make a tidy little bundle on the side if this Jesus guy would ever get off the stick and start the ball rolling. With the miracles this character could pull off, why the sky would be the limit -- or not.

So, Judas figures he can provoke Jesus into action. He goes and turns Jesus in to the authorities, for a nice little bride of course, and they arrest him and beat him until he looks like anything but a man. Then they nail him up to a cross or a pole or whatever to die the famous slow death. Some soldier, motivated by the priests who want him dead and buried before the beginning of the Passover Holy Day, sticks him with a sword, and Jesus bleeds to death.

Well, this wasn't what Judas was expecting at all. With Jesus dead and all the disciples scattered (I told you these guys didn't get the picture), Judas sees his hopes for riches severely downsized. If he had been on Wall St., he would have jumped out a window -- he settled for hanging himself after tossing the blood money in a potters field which leads to some saying I don't remember or care about. Maybe that's how they came up with the name of the fat old banker in that Jimmy Stewart Christmas movie -- whatever.

The point of all this is, that nobody had a clew what Jesus was about. Three days and nights later (try to fit that into Good Friday sunset to Easter Sunday morning) he woke up from the dead and went out showing himself to everybody. As Paul would later point out, "These things weren't done in a corner." There were lots of witnesses.

As for this guy who wrote a book called "The Passover Plot," if it was a plot to fake something, Jesus' buddies wouldn't have been so keen to hide themselves. Hey, his main guy Peter, when asked what he would do now, said, "I'm going fishing."

Jesus showed up on the shore and yelled out to Peter and his fishing buddies. "Hey guys, how's the fishing?"

Peter, who doesn't recognize Jesus -- he must be discussed or something, yells back, "It sucks!" (Hey, this is how fishermen have talked since then)

So Jesus, always one to make a scene, yells back, "You're fishing on the wrong side of the boat; throw the nets on the other side."

Ha, can you just imagine what Peter thought? "What kind of kook is this, anyway? What does he think, the fish are sticking their tongues out as us from behind?" But, he goes and does it cause fishermen will try ANYTHING to catch fish, and behold, there are so many fish in the net, they can't pull it in.

Peter, like totally freaks out, man. He goes, "It's the Lord, guys; and they row the boat ashore [I don't know if some guy named Michael was there or not) where they have a big fish fry (must-of been Friday night, yahey?). Even Jesus has some fish which is good to know because he's like dead and resurrected and he can still turn down the volume on his Glory, kick back, and break bread.

Yeah, I think that's really cool to know with most God freaks thinking dead people have nothing better to look forward to than sitting around on glorified soap suds and staring at bright lights. Around here, you can do something like that with peyote. The sun will blind you (it's not even close to as bright as God) and the best you can do is act like an Indian holy man and live off alms.

Anyway, Jesus is resurrected, showing that we can expect that as well, and goes off to heaven. His disciples are left with his Harley, but nobody really knows how to ride it. Every time they try, they get tossed into jail for disturbing the peace. God finally looks around for someone who knows how to handle things like that.

So, God settles on this really bad dude named Saul the Destroyer. He sounds like a pro wrestler and was about as bad as one. His job is to ride around on his Honda Gold Wing, looking for followers of Jesus and beating the Jesus out of them (Hey, that IS what he did; I'm just relating the story, dude).

God knocks him right off the bike. What I think happened here, is that God suspended time and space for everything but Saul, who kept on going when the bike froze in its place. When Saul finally comes to, he's like that Indian mystic who sat eating peyote and staring at the sun; he's stone cold blind, but he's got a head full of reformatted data. God changes his name to Paul, tells him to go see some of his people who will give him back his sight. (I guess that would be like a sign or something)

Well, when he gets to the house where these people are hiding in fear of the very bad dude who shows up at the door, they freak. Even though Paul (Saul) insists he's seen the light (literally) and been sent there by God. The dude turns white, tells Paul to hang loose and ducks back in to talk to God like God isn't aware of who He's dealing with. Jesus was always like that, too. Hanging around and drinking wine with the wrong kind of people.

God tells Him to get with it, and, after they give Paul the secret word, they find out he's the perfect guy to ride Jesus' Harley around. He eventually ends up in Rome were he writes lots of books about how we should behave if we want to be real Jesus people. There's just one thing wrong with this; only the people in charge know how to read and Gutenberg hasn't been born yet. Once Paul and the others die, a famine of the word sets in -- this was foretold, so it's only a surprise to the people who think it has yet to occur.

Without Peter and Paul around (and Mary died long before) to keep things under control, arguments raged back and forth. Nobody could agree on anything -- even whether or not Jesus was divine (God in the flesh) or just a man God had chosen for this purpose. They couldn't agree whether to meet on Saturday as before or Sunday in honor of the resurrection. Most of this was really about who would be in control -- remember Judas?

The Roman Emperor at this time was Constantine. He didn't care diddle about anything but Pax Romana, so he took an interest in the new and growing sect. If he could get the people to embrace this new faith (which taught obedience to the government) he could stabilize a tottering kingdom (er -- empire). He ordered all the religionist to get together and settle their differences. When they couldn't agree, he made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. They all said, "Sure, boss," then went on their way still disagreeing in private. The Faith was now a possession of the state; I am sure you realize this is not a good thing.

One really big and powerful church was formed where all things were decided in a corporate manner. If you disagreed, you got downsized head first or you became the star attraction at a community cook out. What they said, was law. Since they held all the cards, nobody could adequately dispute their word. There was no Bible available and few manuscripts to be had. Nobody could read, and the church taught education (like cleanliness) was of the devil. Fear and ignorance held the field. It was like a Hell's Angels Convention in a church. They had stolen the Harley, hoisted it up the petard, and the famine of the word was in full swing.

Until today, that is. Just listen to the pipes on that hog!

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